I Wonder

I Wonder

I wonder why you treat your mother as if she is the scum on the bottom of your shoe when I would love to have one such as yours. Why are you blessed with one you neglect when I craved that kind of love as a child? Would I appreciate her more if she were mine?

I wonder how three very different people connect and form a bond that seems unbreakable closer than any family member. Sharing things that even we know we shouldn’t with each other.

I wonder how to you he was the worst father in the world yet you walked away and forgot you had a son who needed your guidance.

I wonder why at the sound of your voice, the mention of your name, or the flash of your face across the mental visions of my mind my body reacts more than it ever has to being physically touched.

I wonder if friends can be lovers and it not affect their friendship.

I wonder why people can’t be themselves at all times. Today things are okay as I take my social drink of wine that you share Yet yesterday it was make mine virgin I don’t drink that stuff oh holier than thou art friend.

I wonder why I lost you when all I wanted to do was tell you what was going on. Be honest and tell you of his transgressions. Why did you choose him over me? I loved you like a sister and would never do anything to hurt you.

I wonder why some friends are seasonal, some are lifers. Some can come and go. Some can return after years of separation and it feel like they never left.

I wonder if you know how much your friendship means to me.

I wonder what is wrong with me.

I wonder if people realize I am the same person no matter what size I am. The struggles I go through and the shame I feel when I am “losing” the battle. The war is ever going for me.

I wonder if you realize I lost a piece of myself when I lost you and I couldn’t quite go on as I should without you. Would you have left if you knew the repercussions of such actions? Or were you taken from me? Could you have done it ? Did you really do it?

I wonder if people realize how far an apology will go. How a simple “I’m sorry I hurt you” can heal deep wounds. If only we can look past our own guilt, see what the others have gone through because of our actions and know all they need is a word to stop their pain.

I wonder if I could do it all other again would I be able to control the situation and do things differently. Or would things spin out and the outcome be the same.

I wonder if at the end of my life will people have seen the real me or the one they have perceived me to be. Will all they remember are the flaws of my life - my human frailties?

I wonder if I will ever know.

© C. Stinson July 26, 2009