Today is my 45th birthday. For the last 18 years
and for every year I will be blessed with in the future, my day has been
shared and will be shared with a great loss in my in life. It took someone telling
me to look at this day as a celebration of life – both mine and my sister’s -
before I could observe my day as more than just another day or a day of deep
sorrow. I have tried to do that over the years and for the most part I think I have succeeded. This is the first time I have made it this far in the day without
crying. I came close this morning but it was more about the state of the world
today than my birthday. That’s another story and another reason to stretch my
fingers and get back to blogging. Blogging helps clears my mind and I am in
need of a deep cleansing.
As I was going through sending my thanks to all those who
took the time to stop and wish me well on my birthday, I couldn’t help but
reflect on my life. Some people called me, Rita. It’s, of course, a shorten
version of my name but not one that I hear often. When a call comes in for
Rita, we know it’s a personal call at work. Rita is my childhood name. Nowadays
I reluctantly tell people to call me Rita if they can’t say Claritta. It’ s
funny because I’m not sure when that happened and it’s not that I mind my
family and old friends calling me Rita but I
guess Claritta is my grown up name and Rita is reserved for my family
and older friends.
Several wishes came from my author friends. If anyone knows
me even just a little, they know I am a BIG book nerd - a title I proudly wear.
I discovered books as a young child. I loved the Scholastic Reading Club and RIF
(Reading in Fundamental). I remember wanting to order books and books and more
books and how my mother would tell me I couldn’t order all the books I had
chosen. So sad. I guess she didn’t know there is no such thing as too many
books. I recalled how reading saved my life during my worst year of high
school. I found a hiding hole in the hallways and there you could find me
reading to escape from the bullying that almost did me in. I recalled how someone
captured a picture of me in my reading spot and that picture found its way into
the school’s yearbook.
Family members and close friends sent their love today and I
thought about my relationship with each of them. I have not always been the
best person, daughter, sister, mother, aunt, niece, friend and grandmother
(yes, I said it though I still prefer lola) but I have always tried to be the
best ME that I could be at the time. I have lost myself in life at times just
living day by day smiling on the outside dying on the inside. I have lost many
friends some who were more like family during a time of self isolation and I
thank those who have reached out and hung on even when I have pushed away. I sometimes
wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently in many times of my
life but I’m a believer in things happen for a reason. And I have to believe
that all of it is for some purpose, a purpose I may never know in some cases –
the good and the bad.
I have not taken care of myself like I should in the last
few years and it shows. I woke this morning thinking of my Sugar Plum Karlee K.
I am her only living grandmother and I want to be here for her. I need to do everything in my control to make
that happen. People tell me they don’t like to hear me talk about my weight
because I know what to do. I have put my mind to it in the past and through
hard work – exercise 5-6 days of week and healthy eating lost weight that has
found me again. That person is someone I don’t know anymore but I would like to
know her again. I would like to find her or an older version of her. I guess
that’s me, huh. That person who turned 45 years old today? Well baby steps day
by day maybe I can find my way. I have struggled with my weight since I was a
teen when I thought I was bigger than really was. Another long story. One I won’t
bother with today.
Today on my 45th birthday and the 18th
anniversary of my sister’s death, I know life is full of wonderful,
frightening, beautiful, and tragic - and many other polar opposite things. I
pray that I can continue to grow, heal and love.
