48 Days to 48 Years

Yesterday I started 48 days to 48 years commitment. Working on 48 things for me. I started the first one last month - bringing my lunch to work. I've learned that I like roasted vegetables. So I have roasting fresh green beans, mushrooms, and asparagus. Today I will enjoy my vegetable lasagna made with  zucchini, spinach, mushrooms and black olives. I must say it taste much better than Stouffer's. 

Slow cooker country ribs with roasted green beans and mushrooms











Vegetable lasagna 

Today I will drink more water. 

God Blocked It

There were dangers awaiting me
Destruction was sure to be
But thank God for Angels
That were shielding and protecting
And looking out for me
Thank You Lord

The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so

Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight

You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle

God blocked it
He wouldn't let me fall
No, He wouldn't let it be so

For I've got work to do
Work to do

God wouldn't let me die
Because He knew I had work to do

Oh yes

And I've got life to live
There are blessings
He want's to give
God blocked it,
He wouldn't let me fall
No, He wouldn't let it be so

God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so

It was the Lord
Nobody but Jesus

St Lou and Black Beauty

I don't know what St Lou told you but he has some explaining to do. Let me tell you what he did to Black Beauty.
He filled her heart  with words of love. He made her believe in happily ever after.
Yeah St. Lou got some explaining to do.
I don't know what St Lou told you but St Lou  stole13 hours and a 8 hundred miles from Black Beauty.
He promised her the son and took him back.
I don't know what St Lou told you but he kicked her out in the middle of the night and never once called to see if she was alright.
yeah St Louis broke black beauty's heart but she gonna be alright.

I'm Writing with NaNoWriMo!

I'm writing! I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year. Seriously participating this year. So maybe the novel that has been swimming in my head for years will finally come to fruition. Even if it's never published I can finally say I wrote it.

One of the things NaNoWriMo suggest is to upload a book cover. It's supposed to increase your chances of winning. Winning = finishing. I'm all for doing things that will help me finally accomplish this goal. So I designed what my concept of the cover for my book. My name on a book cover certainly looks good. Don't you think?!

Well that's all for now. Gotta save the writing bug for where it counts. 

What's In a Name?

I have decided to get serious about writing that book. The one that I have been writing for the last - oh I don't know how many - years. 

I'm taking all that I have learned from all the writing workshops I have attended and doing it "right". My first step was to create full character profiles.

What I have learned is that names are important. I have first names for all my characters. My two main characters don't have last names and it's not as easy to give them one. Since I have been playing the "I am writing a book" game for so long I never really thought about it before now.

Now that I have fully committed to this project I feel like I did when I needed to name my children. I didn't just pull out their names out of a hat. I see it the same for my characters. I wanted their names to mean something.

As for my secondary characters, I didn't think I needed to give the secondary characters last names. They are in the story as an annoyance to the heroine. I wanted them to be insignificant – in the story to create havoc for the main characters but even as I think about them now I see that thought was wrong too. Whether I mention their whole names in the story or not, I feel a strong need to have one in their character profile.

What's in a name? More than I thought it seems. 

More to come in my journey to complete my first book tentatively titled Frustrated.

Birthday Reflections

Today is my 45^th birthday. For the last 18 years and for every year I will be blessed with in the future, my day has been shared and will be shared with a great loss in my in life. It took someone telling me to look at this day as a celebration of life – both mine and my sister’s - before I could observe my day as more than just another day or a day of deep sorrow. I have tried to do that over the years and for the most part I think I have succeeded. This is the first time I have made it this far in the day without crying. I came close this morning but it was more about the state of the world today than my birthday. That’s another story and another reason to stretch my fingers and get back to blogging. Blogging helps clears my mind and I am in need of a deep cleansing.

As I was going through sending my thanks to all those who took the time to stop and wish me well on my birthday, I couldn’t help but reflect on my life. Some people called me, Rita. It’s, of course, a shorten version of my name but not one that I hear often. When a call comes in for Rita, we know it’s a personal call at work. Rita is my childhood name. Nowadays I reluctantly tell people to call me Rita if they can’t say Claritta. It’ s funny because I’m not sure when that happened and it’s not that I mind my family and old friends calling me Rita but I  guess Claritta is my grown up name and Rita is reserved for my family and older friends.  

Several wishes came from my author friends. If anyone knows me even just a little, they know I am a BIG book nerd - a title I proudly wear. I discovered books as a young child. I loved the Scholastic Reading Club and RIF (Reading in Fundamental). I remember wanting to order books and books and more books and how my mother would tell me I couldn’t order all the books I had chosen. So sad. I guess she didn’t know there is no such thing as too many books. I recalled how reading saved my life during my worst year of high school. I found a hiding hole in the hallways and there you could find me reading to escape from the bullying that almost did me in. I recalled how someone captured a picture of me in my reading spot and that picture found its way into the school’s yearbook.

Family members and close friends sent their love today and I thought about my relationship with each of them. I have not always been the best person, daughter, sister, mother, aunt, niece, friend and grandmother (yes, I said it though I still prefer lola) but I have always tried to be the best ME that I could be at the time. I have lost myself in life at times just living day by day smiling on the outside dying on the inside. I have lost many friends some who were more like family during a time of self isolation and I thank those who have reached out and hung on even when I have pushed away. I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently in many times of my life but I’m a believer in things happen for a reason. And I have to believe that all of it is for some purpose, a purpose I may never know in some cases – the good and the bad.

I have not taken care of myself like I should in the last few years and it shows. I woke this morning thinking of my Sugar Plum Karlee K. I am her only living grandmother and I want to be here for her.  I need to do everything in my control to make that happen. People tell me they don’t like to hear me talk about my weight because I know what to do. I have put my mind to it in the past and through hard work – exercise 5-6 days of week and healthy eating lost weight that has found me again. That person is someone I don’t know anymore but I would like to know her again. I would like to find her or an older version of her. I guess that’s me, huh. That person who turned 45 years old today? Well baby steps day by day maybe I can find my way. I have struggled with my weight since I was a teen when I thought I was bigger than really was. Another long story. One I won’t bother with today.

Today on my 45^th birthday and the 18^th anniversary of my sister’s death, I know life is full of wonderful, frightening, beautiful, and tragic - and many other polar opposite things. I pray that I can continue to grow, heal and love. 

I Once was a Baby Sis

I once was a baby sister. I had a great older sister. She was beautiful and loving. As children, we were sisters learning to be friends. Only 19 months apart, our mother dressed us as twins until we rebelled and refused to do it. As we got older and our bodies matured, I filled out and you were naturally slim. People tended to compare us though you never did. The most FAQ people would ask if I were older and I became your big little sis. I was proud to be your baby sis because you always had fun. I tagged along with you anytime you would let me which was more often than I wanted my own little sister to tag along with me.  Our stepfather gave us nicknames. Growing up I hated them but I would gladly tattoo them across my heart to have your back in my life.  I would give anything to be the Heavy Duty to your T-Bone. In my heart, I will always be your big baby sis.  If you were here today, we would be celebrating your 43^rd birthday. A piece of my heart is forever gone. RIP. RIL. Happy birthday. I miss you my sister, my friend.

I Cry at Night

I cry at night when all is quiet

And my thoughts come storming through

All the disappointments and unfulfilled desires

The mistakes and wrong choices I’ve made

My loved ones who have gone away

And for those who don’t take the time to get to know me

I cry at night when the lights go out

And the memories of my life scroll through my mind

Like a horror movie invading my nightly dreams

Reliving the lies, deceit and deception

Replaying what could have been, would have been

Wondering if I should have done it differently

I cry at night when no one is around

Tears flow from my eyes staining my face

Each drop representing a sorrow of yesterdays

I envision the teardrops flowing into a river

Inviting me to immerse my spirit

To cleanse my soul and give me peace.

© C. Stinson February 23, 2011

Love This Life Poem by David Culiner

LovethisLife...

is about celebrating the moment and that

we're not guaranteed or owed another day

and how cool it is that what we hide

can actually be the fuel towards our glory

and that it's not so bad being proven wrong

LovethisLife...

is about welcoming the blind turn

and the possibility that

there's no such thing as coincidence

and that empathy is incredibly sexy

and that it's never too late to

pick up a guitar or a paintbrush

or to make an amend or to make a new friend

LovethisLife...

could be about rekindling a past flame

or igniting a new one

or shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer

or savouring the caress of a love long gone

LovethisLife...

means whatever it is you want it to mean because

LovethisLife...

is a celebration of you and your path

LovethisLife...

'cuz it could go at any second

you rock.

I read this poem last year on a new friend's t-shirt and loved it. This embodies my outlook on life..."Love This Life" because it's the one I have.

I want to Win a Nook Color

Pam at Bookalicio.us is having a two year blog anniversary. She is giving away tons of books and advance readers. The Grand Prize is a NookColor! Head on over to Bookalicio.us to enter.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder why people do the things they do...then I realize it doesn't matter. What matters is how I react or don't to it.

~~~~~~~~~~

What would you do when you have the chance to make your wildest fantasy become reality? Do you jump in with both eyes closed? Do you take this chance to do something that you have only dreamed about? Do you allow yourself to be free, uninhibited, and spontaneous? Do you live in the moment? Or do you walk away leaving a trail of regret, what ifs, and disappointment?

~~~~~~~~~~

I think when you get married, you should be required to wear something visible and non removable to let the world know you are married. I heard someone say once if a married man is going to cheat he should make sure the woman is single. WTF!!! (Excuse my language) but I don’t want a trifling man and married one is definitely a NO for me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Can you blame it on the alcohol if you are not drunk? Are there rules for that? I mean what if I only had one drink or what if I had the drink yesterday? What if I skip the drink but you don’t know it? I could pretend and say and do what’s on my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~

Why do people lie for no reason? I mean I didn’t ask for it I was minding my own business, going about my way. I didn’t solicit. You could have kept that one to yourself. Sometimes I think people talk just to hear the sound of their own voice.

~~~~~~~~~~

I have become a marriage counselor to a married friend. I’m single never married. Hmmm, isn’t that an oxymoron. I think I have missed my calling. I talked him off the ledge and back on track.

I’m In Love with a Woman

I’m in love with a woman
She is beautiful and kind
With the biggest heart you will ever find


If you try to mistreat her
You will have to deal with my wrath
So if that is your intent don’t cross her path


She’s has an inner strength
That has carried her through many trials
She appears meek, but when pushed can get hostile


Perfection is not her claim
She has her flaws and I love them all
If I need reassurance, she is the one I call


She treats me well
Even when I abuse and misuse her name
She takes it in stride and takes the blame


This journey to self love
Has not been an easy one to achieve
For as a child I was not lead to believe


I am in love with a woman
And to my delight she loves me too
Together we could love you.

An Untitled Musing

It's all consuming

It's overwhelming
It's overpowering.
It's undeniable
It's frustrating
It's fulfilling
It's heart-wrenching
It's soul stirring

It's heartbreaking

It's frightening

It's depressing
It's intense
It's lonely

It's empty

It's conflicting

It's....

What am I gonna do?

How can I deny it?

How can I accept?
How can I live with it?
How can I not?

My Ode to G

Good Morning. Baby U Are My Soul Mate I was Made to Love Ya.
You are the epitome of my Definition of a Man.
I used to Dream with No Love until you came along.
You Make My Day when you Smile for Me.
Baby Hold on to Me because you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
That's the Way I Feel about You. I'm Hurting for You
These Strings, Strings are causing me Misery.
I've thought about you. How Many Times? over One Million Times

Got Love for me? Please Don't Take It Away.
It's Breaking My Heart Thinkin' Bout It.
Hugs & Kisses is what I need from you.
You Ought to be with Me I don't want Closure.
I want Forever You &  Me. I Wanna Get Up with You
Everyday for the Rest of Your Life To My Grave.
I'd Give Anything to have you Callin' Me on my Private Line again.
Last Time I Saw You at The G Spot Oh What a Night!
When the DJ Played Our Song and you held me in your arms,
I thought Is This the Way to Heaven?

All That Matters is You're a Keeper and I want to be Close to You.
I'm Saving Your Place. Don't Make Me Beg.
You Need Love and I can Show You How to Love.
Where Do We Go from here? Didn't We go as Deep As It Goes?
It Was What It Was, but I'm Already Missing You.
Since You Ain't Around My Heart Don't beat the same.
Meet me Same Place, Same Time on Love Street.
Let's Fall Back Taking Everything For the Love of Just Us.
What Cha' Think About That?
Our Second Time Around will be Sweeter Awesome.

My ode to Gerald Levert. He was #1 and truly Mr. Too Damn Good.

Sometimes

Sometimes I cry alone at night
Sometimes I hurt from the pains of my past
Sometimes I forget and think maybe it wasn't so bad
Sometimes I feel like I can't go on
Sometimes doesn't last always


Sometimes I want it all to end
Sometimes I curse and swear
Sometimes I want to be judge, jury and executioner
Sometimes I remember
Sometimes is temporary and fleeting


Sometimes I sing even if off-key
Sometimes I laugh out loud at a memory
Sometimes I dance to beat of the music but not always
Sometimes I fall but I always get up
Sometimes is just a moment in my life.

I Walked

I posted that I was at a loss for words to describe my feelings after the Out of Darkness Community Walk benefiting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I was overwhelmed and need to release.


GREAT WONDERFUL AMAZING BLESSED
Doesn’t begin to describe it!!!


I don’t believe in happenstance or coincidence.
I am a believer that all things happen for a reason
Sometimes the reason is beyond us and
Sometimes it is evident right away when things are revealed
I get excited and can only glory in the workings of God
I am fellowshipping at a new church and joined a life group - F4TK (Fit for the King)
It was an easy choice to make where others I am still praying over
I exercise 4-5 times a week alone at the back of the pool
This group gives me a chance to fellowship with others
And work on my physical and spiritual self at the same time
When our leader announced our first event would be a charity walk
I was hesitant to participate, full of questions and doubts
Would I be able to do it, should I just donate my money
Could I make it to the end, would I look foolish
In the end I decided that this was no coincidence
The meaning behind the walk was too dear to me
I prayed for strength and registered and trusted that I could do it
I was the first to make it to the meeting place
One by one everyone arrived and new people were placed in my circle
Before the walk we got honor beads to symbolize our personal connection to the cause
I got two but didn’t realize there was one for personally struggled
So though I wore one for sibling, one for friend, I was remiss for another
A father spoke of his son and the ignorance that’s involved in this struggle
The ignorance - not from those who leave this world in this fashion
But from those left behind. The not knowing that someone needs helps
That a person near and dear to you is at an invisible breaking point
We must speak out and share with others in hope that we can prevent
This tragic heartbreaking life altering event from happening
The entire experience was refreshing, overwhelming and inspiring.
I am ready to share my story, my pain, and healing
So with my beads symbolizing those who have chosen this path - I walked
I walked for my sister whom I loved with all my heart
For the girl who abused and neglected by many in her life
I walked for the friend who decided the world was too much to bear
I walked the for the little girl who almost didn’t make it through her teens
I walked for the woman I am today - stronger, loving, and beautiful.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

At the end of your life
Will you find yourself saying
I wish I woulda coulda shoulda


Do you often use the phrases
One day I will
One day I want to go,do or see


Do you live your life
With no thought at all
Putting off desires until tomorrow


Life is short and tomorrow
May never come for you
Live today as if it were your last


I know it's cliche
But all things considered
You don't know the time nor the hour


One day when you least expect it
The unthinkable will happen
Bringing your life's journey to an end


When the movie of your life begins
Flashing before your very eyes
Will you see regret and unfulfilled desires


Choose today to explore
Life as you've always wanted
Chase your dreams satisfy your passions.


I'll you with two of my favorite quotes
Carpe diem – seize the day
Dance like nobody's watching

Love like you've never been hurt
Sing like nobody's listening
Live like it's heaven on earth.

Nappy Hair

My hair is nappy?

Why thank you!

I love my kinky, spongy

And yes, nappy hair.

You think it would look great pressed?

Why thank you for the thought

But I will politely pass on that.

My hair would look great with a perm?

Nah, I’ve been there done that.

Had the scalp burns to prove it.

You wonder how long it is?

Why that’s the beauty of my friend,

Shrinkage.

It’s a secret she loves to keep.

Kinky, spongy, naturally curly

Dense, fluffy, cottony

Coarse, thick, wiry

Whatever you call it

It’s all good to me.

I’m naturally nappy and

Proud of it.

© C. Stinson August 2010

Summer Getaway Part 3

I am loving this “no agenda spontaneous go with the flow” vacation. I was scheduled to go home today but changed my mind. I initially looked at Branson – well after St. Louis was ruled out. Branson because The Platters were performing at the Starlite Theater. The show times was off so I chose Springfield for the caverns. I started thinking about staying one more day to see The Platters and suddenly I thought –why not? I couldn’t get a rate low enough at my current hotel so I checked with Travelocity and found a hotel with a rate I wanted with good customer reviews. Indoor pool, breakfast and internet…better than I had.

So with hotel and tickets for the 3 pm show I was off to Branson. Found the hotel with one turnaround and one stop for clarification on my directions, picked up my ticket for the show and found the Starlite Theater with no mishaps. I had front row tickets but couldn’t see my seat when I walked in so I settled for a few rows back and claimed my rightful seat at intermission.

The show was great – I loved every minute of it and was definitely glad I extended my stay to go. They sang all their hits plus a Ray Charles tribute and Motown revue. Will, who is blind did a great Ray. I felt like a groupie afterwards – bought the DVD of the show got a free t-shirt and purchased a picture of me with the group (the photographer was nice of enough to use my camera but snap one of me with hers as well – of course hers was better and I had to buy it). They autographed all three. Eddie, one of the original members of the group, was a hoot (did I use that word?). Yolanda had a powerful voice. She told me the story of how she let a stylist talk her into color and ruined her natural hair. She kept telling me how much she loved my hair. Will as I said was blind but if someone didn’t point it out I would not have known. He moved on that stage. They had some padded markers on the stage for him to keep his place. Andre – I could fall in love with him. He had a voice on him and a smooth bald head - whew!!! Like one of the ladies I met told him – Smokie ain’t got nothing on him with that voice. I would love to bring others back with me to see the show again. There was a lady there who has been to see this show 140 times. Can’t say I will go that many times but I could come again.

I asked for a restaurant recommendation and was told to try Hard Luck Café. They have singing servers. Glad I thought to ask and that I didn’t give up on finding it. The food was as good as the entertainment.

Sadly I am headed home tomorrow, but this is just the first of many trips. No longer will I wait for others to join me. It would be nice, but I will not let it keep me from going. Oh where, oh where, should I go next?

Summer Getaway Part 2

Today should be called “The Adventures of the Directionally Challenged” - that’s me. I spent the morning mapping out my day. It’s the only way I can get around. I think for my birthday I should buy myself GPS. Since I don’t have one I used my usual method. Map it, print it and let the adventure begin. I looked up things to do in the city and used the Map It feature installed on the page. It directed me to Google Maps (new to me I usually use Yahoo driving directions which after today I think I will continue to use). I had three places in mind from the list - Candy House Gourmet Chocolates, Jefferson Avenue Footbridge, and Fantastic Caverns. I mapped it from one place to the other and then back to my hotel.

First direction says head northwest, ummmm which way is that? Can I get a left or right please? Then the next one took me on a loop back to my starting point. At least I have the sense to know if I am looking for Exit 80 and the numbers are decreasing 77, 76, I am going the wrong way. See, I know a little something something. Anyway, after two turnarounds, I made it to the candy shop to find a closed sign. According to the website, they are open on Sundays from 12-5. Oh well, now it’s head west (here we go again), but at least I have a map and the line helps me figure out which way to go. Yep, I’m getting better at this reading a map thing. Made it downtown with only one turnaround and discovered the bridge. It wasn’t as fascinating as I thought. I took one look at it and thought I’m not climbing that thing. So click click and I strolled downtown for a bit. Found an antique furniture and junk store and saw a doll sitting in a chair and a bear that I couldn’t leave. $10 for them both. I really don’t have a place for them a home but I’ll worry about that later.

Heading west (by now I know which way that is – someone give me a cookie please) and I made it to the Fantastic Caverns with no turnarounds – another cookie please. Very interesting place. They showed a movie with the history of the cave and again I found myself wondering again if this alone thing was a good idea. At one point a certain group of hooded organization met in this cave, hmmmm. I looked around and was glad that even though I was the only brown face on the tram everyone was friendly and smiling. It was interesting to hear that the man that first discovered the cave kept it a secret until after the Civil War. He didn’t want either side using seizing it.

At the end of the ride, the guide magically pulled out several copies of a souvenir picture and passed them out. The old “give it to them, let them see it/hold it, and hopefully they will buy it” trick. Well it worked for $10 many of us kept the picture.

I’m tired from the day but have a wonderful time. Now I am thinking I need to extend my trip one more day. I have my eye on The Platters concert tomorrow.