St Lou and Black Beauty

I don't know what St Lou told you but he has some explaining to do. Let me tell you what he did to Black Beauty.
He filled her heart  with words of love. He made her believe in happily ever after.
Yeah St. Lou got some explaining to do.
I don't know what St Lou told you but St Lou  stole13 hours and a 8 hundred miles from Black Beauty.
He promised her the son and took him back.
I don't know what St Lou told you but he kicked her out in the middle of the night and never once called to see if she was alright.
yeah St Louis broke black beauty's heart but she gonna be alright.

I'm Writing with NaNoWriMo!

I'm writing! I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year. Seriously participating this year. So maybe the novel that has been swimming in my head for years will finally come to fruition. Even if it's never published I can finally say I wrote it.

One of the things NaNoWriMo suggest is to upload a book cover. It's supposed to increase your chances of winning. Winning = finishing. I'm all for doing things that will help me finally accomplish this goal. So I designed what my concept of the cover for my book. My name on a book cover certainly looks good. Don't you think?!

Well that's all for now. Gotta save the writing bug for where it counts. 

What's In a Name?

I have decided to get serious about writing that book. The one that I have been writing for the last - oh I don't know how many - years. 

I'm taking all that I have learned from all the writing workshops I have attended and doing it "right". My first step was to create full character profiles.

What I have learned is that names are important. I have first names for all my characters. My two main characters don't have last names and it's not as easy to give them one. Since I have been playing the "I am writing a book" game for so long I never really thought about it before now.

Now that I have fully committed to this project I feel like I did when I needed to name my children. I didn't just pull out their names out of a hat. I see it the same for my characters. I wanted their names to mean something.

As for my secondary characters, I didn't think I needed to give the secondary characters last names. They are in the story as an annoyance to the heroine. I wanted them to be insignificant – in the story to create havoc for the main characters but even as I think about them now I see that thought was wrong too. Whether I mention their whole names in the story or not, I feel a strong need to have one in their character profile.

What's in a name? More than I thought it seems. 

More to come in my journey to complete my first book tentatively titled Frustrated.

Birthday Reflections

Today is my 45^th birthday. For the last 18 years and for every year I will be blessed with in the future, my day has been shared and will be shared with a great loss in my in life. It took someone telling me to look at this day as a celebration of life – both mine and my sister’s - before I could observe my day as more than just another day or a day of deep sorrow. I have tried to do that over the years and for the most part I think I have succeeded. This is the first time I have made it this far in the day without crying. I came close this morning but it was more about the state of the world today than my birthday. That’s another story and another reason to stretch my fingers and get back to blogging. Blogging helps clears my mind and I am in need of a deep cleansing.

As I was going through sending my thanks to all those who took the time to stop and wish me well on my birthday, I couldn’t help but reflect on my life. Some people called me, Rita. It’s, of course, a shorten version of my name but not one that I hear often. When a call comes in for Rita, we know it’s a personal call at work. Rita is my childhood name. Nowadays I reluctantly tell people to call me Rita if they can’t say Claritta. It’ s funny because I’m not sure when that happened and it’s not that I mind my family and old friends calling me Rita but I  guess Claritta is my grown up name and Rita is reserved for my family and older friends.  

Several wishes came from my author friends. If anyone knows me even just a little, they know I am a BIG book nerd - a title I proudly wear. I discovered books as a young child. I loved the Scholastic Reading Club and RIF (Reading in Fundamental). I remember wanting to order books and books and more books and how my mother would tell me I couldn’t order all the books I had chosen. So sad. I guess she didn’t know there is no such thing as too many books. I recalled how reading saved my life during my worst year of high school. I found a hiding hole in the hallways and there you could find me reading to escape from the bullying that almost did me in. I recalled how someone captured a picture of me in my reading spot and that picture found its way into the school’s yearbook.

Family members and close friends sent their love today and I thought about my relationship with each of them. I have not always been the best person, daughter, sister, mother, aunt, niece, friend and grandmother (yes, I said it though I still prefer lola) but I have always tried to be the best ME that I could be at the time. I have lost myself in life at times just living day by day smiling on the outside dying on the inside. I have lost many friends some who were more like family during a time of self isolation and I thank those who have reached out and hung on even when I have pushed away. I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently in many times of my life but I’m a believer in things happen for a reason. And I have to believe that all of it is for some purpose, a purpose I may never know in some cases – the good and the bad.

I have not taken care of myself like I should in the last few years and it shows. I woke this morning thinking of my Sugar Plum Karlee K. I am her only living grandmother and I want to be here for her.  I need to do everything in my control to make that happen. People tell me they don’t like to hear me talk about my weight because I know what to do. I have put my mind to it in the past and through hard work – exercise 5-6 days of week and healthy eating lost weight that has found me again. That person is someone I don’t know anymore but I would like to know her again. I would like to find her or an older version of her. I guess that’s me, huh. That person who turned 45 years old today? Well baby steps day by day maybe I can find my way. I have struggled with my weight since I was a teen when I thought I was bigger than really was. Another long story. One I won’t bother with today.

Today on my 45^th birthday and the 18^th anniversary of my sister’s death, I know life is full of wonderful, frightening, beautiful, and tragic - and many other polar opposite things. I pray that I can continue to grow, heal and love. 

I Once was a Baby Sis

I once was a baby sister. I had a great older sister. She was beautiful and loving. As children, we were sisters learning to be friends. Only 19 months apart, our mother dressed us as twins until we rebelled and refused to do it. As we got older and our bodies matured, I filled out and you were naturally slim. People tended to compare us though you never did. The most FAQ people would ask if I were older and I became your big little sis. I was proud to be your baby sis because you always had fun. I tagged along with you anytime you would let me which was more often than I wanted my own little sister to tag along with me.  Our stepfather gave us nicknames. Growing up I hated them but I would gladly tattoo them across my heart to have your back in my life.  I would give anything to be the Heavy Duty to your T-Bone. In my heart, I will always be your big baby sis.  If you were here today, we would be celebrating your 43^rd birthday. A piece of my heart is forever gone. RIP. RIL. Happy birthday. I miss you my sister, my friend.

I Cry at Night

I cry at night when all is quiet

And my thoughts come storming through

All the disappointments and unfulfilled desires

The mistakes and wrong choices I’ve made

My loved ones who have gone away

And for those who don’t take the time to get to know me

I cry at night when the lights go out

And the memories of my life scroll through my mind

Like a horror movie invading my nightly dreams

Reliving the lies, deceit and deception

Replaying what could have been, would have been

Wondering if I should have done it differently

I cry at night when no one is around

Tears flow from my eyes staining my face

Each drop representing a sorrow of yesterdays

I envision the teardrops flowing into a river

Inviting me to immerse my spirit

To cleanse my soul and give me peace.

© C. Stinson February 23, 2011

Love This Life Poem by David Culiner

LovethisLife...

is about celebrating the moment and that

we're not guaranteed or owed another day

and how cool it is that what we hide

can actually be the fuel towards our glory

and that it's not so bad being proven wrong

LovethisLife...

is about welcoming the blind turn

and the possibility that

there's no such thing as coincidence

and that empathy is incredibly sexy

and that it's never too late to

pick up a guitar or a paintbrush

or to make an amend or to make a new friend

LovethisLife...

could be about rekindling a past flame

or igniting a new one

or shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer

or savouring the caress of a love long gone

LovethisLife...

means whatever it is you want it to mean because

LovethisLife...

is a celebration of you and your path

LovethisLife...

'cuz it could go at any second

you rock.

I read this poem last year on a new friend's t-shirt and loved it. This embodies my outlook on life..."Love This Life" because it's the one I have.