The Musings of Star

I Once was a Baby Sis

2011-05-22T17:00:00.000-05:00

I once was a baby sister. I had a great older sister. She was beautiful and loving. As children, we were sisters learning to be friends. Only 19 months apart, our mother dressed us as twins until we rebelled and refused to do it. As we got older and our bodies matured, I filled out and you were naturally slim. People tended to compare us though you never did. The most FAQ people would ask if I were older and I became your big little sis. I was proud to be your baby sis because you always had fun. I tagged along with you anytime you would let me which was more often than I wanted my own little sister to tag along with me. Our stepfather gave us nicknames. Growing up I hated them but I would gladly tattoo them across my heart to have your back in my life. I would give anything to be the Heavy Duty to your T-Bone. In my heart, I will always be your big baby sis. If you were here today, we would be celebrating your 43^rd birthday. A piece of my heart is forever gone. RIP. RIL. Happy birthday. I miss you my sister, my friend.

I Cry at Night

2011-02-23T20:51:00.000-06:00

I cry at night when all is quiet

And my thoughts come storming through

All the disappointments and unfulfilled desires

The mistakes and wrong choices I’ve made

My loved ones who have gone away

And for those who don’t take the time to get to know me

I cry at night when the lights go out

And the memories of my life scroll through my mind

Like a horror movie invading my nightly dreams

Reliving the lies, deceit and deception

Replaying what could have been, would have been

Wondering if I should have done it differently

I cry at night when no one is around

Tears flow from my eyes staining my face

Each drop representing a sorrow of yesterdays

I envision the teardrops flowing into a river

Inviting me to immerse my spirit

To cleanse my soul and give me peace.

Love This Life Poem by David Culiner

2011-02-09T13:06:00.000-06:00

LovethisLife...

is about celebrating the moment and that

we're not guaranteed or owed another day

and how cool it is that what we hide

can actually be the fuel towards our glory

and that it's not so bad being proven wrong

LovethisLife...

is about welcoming the blind turn

and the possibility that

there's no such thing as coincidence

and that empathy is incredibly sexy

and that it's never too late to

pick up a guitar or a paintbrush

or to make an amend or to make a new friend

LovethisLife...

could be about rekindling a past flame

or igniting a new one

or shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer

or savouring the caress of a love long gone

LovethisLife...

means whatever it is you want it to mean because

LovethisLife...

is a celebration of you and your path

LovethisLife...

'cuz it could go at any second

you rock.

I read this poem last year on a new friend's t-shirt and loved it. This embodies my outlook on life..."Love This Life" because it's the one I have.

I want to Win a Nook Color

2011-02-08T20:42:00.000-06:00

Pam at Bookalicio.us is having a two year blog anniversary. She is giving away tons of books and advance readers. The Grand Prize is a NookColor! Head on over to Bookalicio.us to enter.

Random Thoughts

2011-02-03T22:08:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder why people do the things they do...then I realize it doesn't matter. What matters is how I react or don't to it.

~~~~~~~~~~

What would you do when you have the chance to make your wildest fantasy become reality? Do you jump in with both eyes closed? Do you take this chance to do something that you have only dreamed about? Do you allow yourself to be free, uninhibited, and spontaneous? Do you live in the moment? Or do you walk away leaving a trail of regret, what ifs, and disappointment?

~~~~~~~~~~

I think when you get married, you should be required to wear something visible and non removable to let the world know you are married. I heard someone say once if a married man is going to cheat he should make sure the woman is single. WTF!!! (Excuse my language) but I don’t want a trifling man and married one is definitely a NO for me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Can you blame it on the alcohol if you are not drunk? Are there rules for that? I mean what if I only had one drink or what if I had the drink yesterday? What if I skip the drink but you don’t know it? I could pretend and say and do what’s on my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~

Why do people lie for no reason? I mean I didn’t ask for it I was minding my own business, going about my way. I didn’t solicit. You could have kept that one to yourself. Sometimes I think people talk just to hear the sound of their own voice.

~~~~~~~~~~

I have become a marriage counselor to a married friend. I’m single never married. Hmmm, isn’t that an oxymoron. I think I have missed my calling. I talked him off the ledge and back on track.

I’m In Love with a Woman

2011-01-08T23:33:00.001-06:00

I’m in love with a woman
She is beautiful and kind
With the biggest heart you will ever find

If you try to mistreat her
You will have to deal with my wrath
So if that is your intent don’t cross her path

She’s has an inner strength
That has carried her through many trials
She appears meek, but when pushed can get hostile

Perfection is not her claim
She has her flaws and I love them all
If I need reassurance, she is the one I call

She treats me well
Even when I abuse and misuse her name
She takes it in stride and takes the blame

This journey to self love
Has not been an easy one to achieve
For as a child I was not lead to believe

I am in love with a woman
And to my delight she loves me too
Together we could love you.

An Untitled Musing

2011-01-06T21:10:00.002-06:00

It's all consuming

It's overwhelming
It's overpowering.
It's undeniable
It's frustrating
It's fulfilling
It's heart-wrenching
It's soul stirring

It's heartbreaking

It's frightening

It's depressing
It's intense
It's lonely

It's empty

It's conflicting

It's....

What am I gonna do?

How can I deny it?

How can I accept?
How can I live with it?
How can I not?

My Ode to G

2010-11-10T21:27:00.002-06:00

Good Morning. Baby U Are My Soul Mate I was Made to Love Ya.
You are the epitome of my Definition of a Man.
I used to Dream with No Love until you came along.
You Make My Day when you Smile for Me.
Baby Hold on to Me because you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
That's the Way I Feel about You. I'm Hurting for You
These Strings, Strings are causing me Misery.
I've thought about you. How Many Times? over One Million Times

Got Love for me? Please Don't Take It Away.
It's Breaking My Heart Thinkin' Bout It.
Hugs & Kisses is what I need from you.
You Ought to be with Me I don't want Closure.
I want Forever You & Me. I Wanna Get Up with You
Everyday for the Rest of Your Life To My Grave.
I'd Give Anything to have you Callin' Me on my Private Line again.
Last Time I Saw You at The G Spot Oh What a Night!
When the DJ Played Our Song and you held me in your arms,
I thought Is This the Way to Heaven?

All That Matters is You're a Keeper and I want to be Close to You.
I'm Saving Your Place. Don't Make Me Beg.
You Need Love and I can Show You How to Love.
Where Do We Go from here? Didn't We go as Deep As It Goes?
It Was What It Was, but I'm Already Missing You.
Since You Ain't Around My Heart Don't beat the same.
Meet me Same Place, Same Time on Love Street.
Let's Fall Back Taking Everything For the Love of Just Us.
What Cha' Think About That?
Our Second Time Around will be Sweeter Awesome.

My ode to Gerald Levert. He was #1 and truly Mr. Too Damn Good.

Sometimes

2010-11-06T19:31:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I cry alone at night
Sometimes I hurt from the pains of my past
Sometimes I forget and think maybe it wasn't so bad
Sometimes I feel like I can't go on
Sometimes doesn't last always

Sometimes I want it all to end
Sometimes I curse and swear
Sometimes I want to be judge, jury and executioner
Sometimes I remember
Sometimes is temporary and fleeting

Sometimes I sing even if off-key
Sometimes I laugh out loud at a memory
Sometimes I dance to beat of the music but not always
Sometimes I fall but I always get up
Sometimes is just a moment in my life.

I Walked

2010-11-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

I posted that I was at a loss for words to describe my feelings after the Out of Darkness Community Walk benefiting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I was overwhelmed and need to release.

GREAT WONDERFUL AMAZING BLESSED
Doesn’t begin to describe it!!!

I don’t believe in happenstance or coincidence.
I am a believer that all things happen for a reason
Sometimes the reason is beyond us and
Sometimes it is evident right away when things are revealed
I get excited and can only glory in the workings of God
I am fellowshipping at a new church and joined a life group - F4TK (Fit for the King)
It was an easy choice to make where others I am still praying over
I exercise 4-5 times a week alone at the back of the pool
This group gives me a chance to fellowship with others
And work on my physical and spiritual self at the same time
When our leader announced our first event would be a charity walk
I was hesitant to participate, full of questions and doubts
Would I be able to do it, should I just donate my money
Could I make it to the end, would I look foolish
In the end I decided that this was no coincidence
The meaning behind the walk was too dear to me
I prayed for strength and registered and trusted that I could do it
I was the first to make it to the meeting place
One by one everyone arrived and new people were placed in my circle
Before the walk we got honor beads to symbolize our personal connection to the cause
I got two but didn’t realize there was one for personally struggled
So though I wore one for sibling, one for friend, I was remiss for another
A father spoke of his son and the ignorance that’s involved in this struggle
The ignorance - not from those who leave this world in this fashion
But from those left behind. The not knowing that someone needs helps
That a person near and dear to you is at an invisible breaking point
We must speak out and share with others in hope that we can prevent
This tragic heartbreaking life altering event from happening
The entire experience was refreshing, overwhelming and inspiring.
I am ready to share my story, my pain, and healing
So with my beads symbolizing those who have chosen this path - I walked
I walked for my sister whom I loved with all my heart
For the girl who abused and neglected by many in her life
I walked for the friend who decided the world was too much to bear
I walked the for the little girl who almost didn’t make it through her teens
I walked for the woman I am today - stronger, loving, and beautiful.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

2010-09-09T20:46:00.001-05:00

At the end of your life
Will you find yourself saying
I wish I woulda coulda shoulda

Do you often use the phrases
One day I will
One day I want to go,do or see

Do you live your life
With no thought at all
Putting off desires until tomorrow

Life is short and tomorrow
May never come for you
Live today as if it were your last

I know it's cliche
But all things considered
You don't know the time nor the hour

One day when you least expect it
The unthinkable will happen
Bringing your life's journey to an end

When the movie of your life begins
Flashing before your very eyes
Will you see regret and unfulfilled desires

Choose today to explore
Life as you've always wanted
Chase your dreams satisfy your passions.

I'll you with two of my favorite quotes
Carpe diem – seize the day
Dance like nobody's watching

Love like you've never been hurt
Sing like nobody's listening
Live like it's heaven on earth.

Nappy Hair

2010-08-15T18:15:00.001-05:00

My hair is nappy?

Why thank you!

I love my kinky, spongy

And yes, nappy hair.

You think it would look great pressed?

Why thank you for the thought

But I will politely pass on that.

My hair would look great with a perm?

Nah, I’ve been there done that.

Had the scalp burns to prove it.

You wonder how long it is?

Why that’s the beauty of my friend,

Shrinkage.

It’s a secret she loves to keep.

Kinky, spongy, naturally curly

Dense, fluffy, cottony

Coarse, thick, wiry

Whatever you call it

It’s all good to me.

I’m naturally nappy and

Proud of it.

Summer Getaway Part 3

2010-08-03T00:07:00.001-05:00

I am loving this “no agenda spontaneous go with the flow” vacation. I was scheduled to go home today but changed my mind. I initially looked at Branson – well after St. Louis was ruled out. Branson because The Platters were performing at the Starlite Theater. The show times was off so I chose Springfield for the caverns. I started thinking about staying one more day to see The Platters and suddenly I thought –why not? I couldn’t get a rate low enough at my current hotel so I checked with Travelocity and found a hotel with a rate I wanted with good customer reviews. Indoor pool, breakfast and internet…better than I had.

So with hotel and tickets for the 3 pm show I was off to Branson. Found the hotel with one turnaround and one stop for clarification on my directions, picked up my ticket for the show and found the Starlite Theater with no mishaps. I had front row tickets but couldn’t see my seat when I walked in so I settled for a few rows back and claimed my rightful seat at intermission.

The show was great – I loved every minute of it and was definitely glad I extended my stay to go. They sang all their hits plus a Ray Charles tribute and Motown revue. Will, who is blind did a great Ray. I felt like a groupie afterwards – bought the DVD of the show got a free t-shirt and purchased a picture of me with the group (the photographer was nice of enough to use my camera but snap one of me with hers as well – of course hers was better and I had to buy it). They autographed all three. Eddie, one of the original members of the group, was a hoot (did I use that word?). Yolanda had a powerful voice. She told me the story of how she let a stylist talk her into color and ruined her natural hair. She kept telling me how much she loved my hair. Will as I said was blind but if someone didn’t point it out I would not have known. He moved on that stage. They had some padded markers on the stage for him to keep his place. Andre – I could fall in love with him. He had a voice on him and a smooth bald head - whew!!! Like one of the ladies I met told him – Smokie ain’t got nothing on him with that voice. I would love to bring others back with me to see the show again. There was a lady there who has been to see this show 140 times. Can’t say I will go that many times but I could come again.

I asked for a restaurant recommendation and was told to try Hard Luck Café. They have singing servers. Glad I thought to ask and that I didn’t give up on finding it. The food was as good as the entertainment.

Sadly I am headed home tomorrow, but this is just the first of many trips. No longer will I wait for others to join me. It would be nice, but I will not let it keep me from going. Oh where, oh where, should I go next?

Summer Getaway Part 2

2010-08-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

Today should be called “The Adventures of the Directionally Challenged” - that’s me. I spent the morning mapping out my day. It’s the only way I can get around. I think for my birthday I should buy myself GPS. Since I don’t have one I used my usual method. Map it, print it and let the adventure begin. I looked up things to do in the city and used the Map It feature installed on the page. It directed me to Google Maps (new to me I usually use Yahoo driving directions which after today I think I will continue to use). I had three places in mind from the list - Candy House Gourmet Chocolates, Jefferson Avenue Footbridge, and Fantastic Caverns. I mapped it from one place to the other and then back to my hotel.

First direction says head northwest, ummmm which way is that? Can I get a left or right please? Then the next one took me on a loop back to my starting point. At least I have the sense to know if I am looking for Exit 80 and the numbers are decreasing 77, 76, I am going the wrong way. See, I know a little something something. Anyway, after two turnarounds, I made it to the candy shop to find a closed sign. According to the website, they are open on Sundays from 12-5. Oh well, now it’s head west (here we go again), but at least I have a map and the line helps me figure out which way to go. Yep, I’m getting better at this reading a map thing. Made it downtown with only one turnaround and discovered the bridge. It wasn’t as fascinating as I thought. I took one look at it and thought I’m not climbing that thing. So click click and I strolled downtown for a bit. Found an antique furniture and junk store and saw a doll sitting in a chair and a bear that I couldn’t leave. $10 for them both. I really don’t have a place for them a home but I’ll worry about that later.

Heading west (by now I know which way that is – someone give me a cookie please) and I made it to the Fantastic Caverns with no turnarounds – another cookie please. Very interesting place. They showed a movie with the history of the cave and again I found myself wondering again if this alone thing was a good idea. At one point a certain group of hooded organization met in this cave, hmmmm. I looked around and was glad that even though I was the only brown face on the tram everyone was friendly and smiling. It was interesting to hear that the man that first discovered the cave kept it a secret until after the Civil War. He didn’t want either side using seizing it.

At the end of the ride, the guide magically pulled out several copies of a souvenir picture and passed them out. The old “give it to them, let them see it/hold it, and hopefully they will buy it” trick. Well it worked for $10 many of us kept the picture.

I’m tired from the day but have a wonderful time. Now I am thinking I need to extend my trip one more day. I have my eye on The Platters concert tomorrow.

Summer Getaway Part 1

2010-08-01T07:03:00.001-05:00

I did it. I packed a bag and drove. Not quite as spontaneous as I said but as much as I can be. I mapped out a route and took off. It was quite a leisurely drive down US 65 N. Thought I would go a little crazy from the slow ride until I reminded myself I was not on a time schedule. I took in the sights while people drove around me. Then I saw a sign that said Natural Bridge of Arkansas 15 Miles Ahead. Talk about things that make you go hmmmm.

So of course I took the turn and decided to see for myself. The real adventure was the steep winding downhill narrow road. Caution use first gear, 15 mph (more like 2 mph). I am not ashamed to say I screamed few times going down and even asked myself "where in the heck" - okay I said hell – “am I going and did you forget you are by yourself?”

I made it down the hill and came to the entrance – an old log cabin selling all kinds of country bumpkin and old fashioned souvenirs. Country bumpkin – not my word. There was a country bumpkin emergency kit. I should have taken a picture of it. I did buy a back scratcher for a $1.50.

It cost $4 to gaze upon one the “natural wonders of the world”. Really? Well I paid my money since I made the dangerous trip down. The ride down was worth more. The path to the bridge was full of signs warning that “they” were not responsible for any accidents and of course “you are not allowed on the bridge”. Also as part of the attraction was an old Moon Shine house with several antique items. Made me remember how glad I am that I was born after that time in life.

Oh and did you know there are camels in Arkansas? I didn’t. On the road to the bridge, I saw a herd of cows and stopped to take a picture when I realized that among them sat a camel.

I made it to my destination following my yahoo directions. Thanks for all those who encouraged me to get out and do this. I have been talking about it - thinking about it for a long time but finally did it. This is just the beginning…..

The Chair

2010-07-25T23:19:00.001-05:00

Excuse me I’ve been sitting here
Sitting here waiting
Waiting In this chair
What chair you say?

The chair I have come to detest
Detest what it symbolizes
It’s a symbol of self loath
Self loath I didn't know I had

You see I was raised by a mother
A mother that didn't care
Didn't care for the fro
And the naps on her head

She passed along her hatred
Hatred for the hair that grew
Grew upon my hair so strong
Strong until it was weakened

Weakened by the straightening tools
The tools of torture for the hair
Hair that I thought needed to be managed
Managed at the first sight of growth

First there came the comb
The comb of pressing fire
Fire cream came next
You know that cream of chemicals

Then there came Jheri
Jheri curl with all the mess
The mess of activator and drips
Dripping and staining everything in sight

Jheri's World of curls ended
Ended with a second onset of cream fire
Cream fire that has lead me here
Here in this chair

So if you'll excuse me
Excuse me from this chair
I've decided to live free
Free and no longer bound to the chair.

Fantasy Lover

2010-07-18T16:59:00.000-05:00

Fantasy Lover

How can I miss you so

When you have never held me

You are embedded deep in my soul

Though you have never touched me

You occupy my daily thoughts

When I cry out for you in the middle of the night

You are there to hold and comfort me

Making me feel things I have never felt before

Yet as the sun rises and ushers in another day

I wake feeling as empty as my room

The cold silence serving as a reminder

That you are merely my fantasy lover

In my dreams we are meant to be

If only that was my reality.

Please Forgive Me I Would Still Like to be Your Friend

2010-07-10T12:33:00.000-05:00

I understand you have wants

But we can’t always have what we desire

What I wanted was for you to tell me I was wrong

That you didn't deceive me with the most hurtful lies

That the irrefutable proof of your deception was untrue.

What I got was heart wrenching silence that tore into my soul

Leaving me furious, embittered and confused

How could I have not known what you harbored?

The one thing I find most offensive and unforgiveable

Were there signs that I chose to ignore?

Was l blinded by the illusion of love?

You say I was what you needed at the time?

That even now you will always love me

Use me as a measure of standard for others in your life

Is that a compliment to soothe my soul?

Can you not see how insulting that is to my spirit?

You once called me a woman of worth

Worthy of what?...your deceit, misuse and neglect

Please forgive you? You would like to still be my friend.

Do you even know what that word means?

Or do you throw it around as easily as you do the word “love”?

I want you to know that with little consideration at all

I leave you with this and answer your plea

You will have to learn to befriend your wife.

Why Wasn’t I Enough

2010-07-03T17:36:00.001-05:00

Why wasn’t I enough for you

I gave you what you needed

I treated you with respect

I gave you the best of me

Why could you not reward me

for all my hard work?

Be proud of my accomplishments.

Why wasn't I good enough for you?

For two years I pushed and pushed myself

To become the person you wanted me to be

Yet, it was never ever enough.

Why did you neglect and abuse me?

You broke my spirit and wore me down

It was always your love and affection

I sought, wanted and needed.

Look at me and tell me why I wasn’t enough?

With all that is within me

I ask for your forgiveness

You were exactly who I wanted to be

I just couldn’t see it

My eyes were clouded and glazed

With a trick mirror of life

Your reflection was distorted

I couldn’t see your beauty within or without

I was measuring you against a flawed system

Holding you to “perfect” standards

Set by an imperfect world

Now that you have gone away

And the mirror has been replaced

I see who and what you are

Please come back to me

I will treat you with all the respect

And love that you deserve

I will cherish you every step of the way

Kiss away your sorrow and hurt

Celebrate every triumph and every victory

If you honor me with your presence

I will feed your soul what it needs

I can feel the trust you have in me

I will honor that trust

I will not allow anyone –

Including myself

To misuse you ever again

Your eyes are wary as I look at you

In my new mirror of life

I see the reflection of me

I love who I am.

I love who we will become

Together.

Waiting

2010-06-28T21:19:00.001-05:00

I have worried and fretted

stressed and wondered

tossed and turned

No matter how hard I try

I can’t get inside your head

So I’ve decided

To do the one I can……

Wait....

I am waiting.

Reflections of the Past

2010-06-27T20:39:00.003-05:00

How did I get here - where I am today?
I don’t remember falling, tripping or tumbling
Yet, I found myself at the bottom yet again
I need to understand the when’s and why’s
I think it is an important step in my recovery
It’s not about reliving the past
It’s more about understanding
If I can go back to that moment in time
Reflect, dissect, and analyze
Can I prevent this from happening again
Or is it unimportant at this point in my life
Can I move on ? Shall I move forward?
Have I learned from the past?

I Wonder

2010-06-26T11:57:00.000-05:00

I Wonder

I wonder why you treat your mother as if she is the scum on the bottom of your shoe when I would love to have one such as yours. Why are you blessed with one you neglect when I craved that kind of love as a child? Would I appreciate her more if she were mine?

I wonder how three very different people connect and form a bond that seems unbreakable closer than any family member. Sharing things that even we know we shouldn’t with each other.

I wonder how to you he was the worst father in the world yet you walked away and forgot you had a son who needed your guidance.

I wonder why at the sound of your voice, the mention of your name, or the flash of your face across the mental visions of my mind my body reacts more than it ever has to being physically touched.

I wonder if friends can be lovers and it not affect their friendship.

I wonder why people can’t be themselves at all times. Today things are okay as I take my social drink of wine that you share Yet yesterday it was make mine virgin I don’t drink that stuff oh holier than thou art friend.

I wonder why I lost you when all I wanted to do was tell you what was going on. Be honest and tell you of his transgressions. Why did you choose him over me? I loved you like a sister and would never do anything to hurt you.

I wonder why some friends are seasonal, some are lifers. Some can come and go. Some can return after years of separation and it feel like they never left.

I wonder if you know how much your friendship means to me.

I wonder what is wrong with me.

I wonder if people realize I am the same person no matter what size I am. The struggles I go through and the shame I feel when I am “losing” the battle. The war is ever going for me.

I wonder if you realize I lost a piece of myself when I lost you and I couldn’t quite go on as I should without you. Would you have left if you knew the repercussions of such actions? Or were you taken from me? Could you have done it ? Did you really do it?

I wonder if people realize how far an apology will go. How a simple “I’m sorry I hurt you” can heal deep wounds. If only we can look past our own guilt, see what the others have gone through because of our actions and know all they need is a word to stop their pain.

I wonder if I could do it all other again would I be able to control the situation and do things differently. Or would things spin out and the outcome be the same.

I wonder if at the end of my life will people have seen the real me or the one they have perceived me to be. Will all they remember are the flaws of my life - my human frailties?

I wonder if I will ever know.

© C. Stinson July 26, 2009

Lonely Thoughts

2010-06-25T20:18:00.001-05:00

Lonely Thoughts

Sometimes I get so lonely and I think of going back

Forgetting with you that life was dark and black

Reminiscing on the good times makes me smile

The crack in my heart opens the door for denial

I want to believe that you have changed for the better

I pull out my memoir box to read your love letters

The crack becomes a hole and in floods the memories

Causing the love I once had for you to shine once more

Leaving me confused and my heart to soar

Can I forget? Take that step back and let you back in

Can I believe the words on the pages and begin again?

Then I remember for every good , there were countless bad

For every smile there were many tears to be had

The pain comes back like acid and fills the hole

Erodes the memories and gives me back control

Life with you was full of misery and lacking of light

I can’t take the chance that all that waits for me is the night

I can't ignore all the heartache, the lies and pain

The crack is there and will always remain

But loneliness will not be allowed to overcome

My will is strong and will not come undone

My resolve is set and will not give into the strife

I will not waste my breath of life.

© C. Stinson May 30, 2010